i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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