Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
