she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
