I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
