i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
