shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
