the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
