Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
