Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
