can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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