Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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