You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
