I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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