you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
