I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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