I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
