Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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