guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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