: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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