I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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