Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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