Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she pinky promised me she was 18
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
