I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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