I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
