if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you had me at cake vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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