Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And then he peed in my hair
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