apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
