I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
