I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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