i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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