ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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