woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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