i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
