A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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