There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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