I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
