Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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