when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
