If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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