I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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