I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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