i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
