your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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