Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
