he shaved USA in his pubs
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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