how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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