I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
