fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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