Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
