I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
