Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
