you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
