question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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