Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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