i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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