If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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