My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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