Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
