So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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