The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
