is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
